Friday 19 April 2013



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Monday 8 October 2012

Control

There's so much I keep to myself even though this is here, but that doesn't seem to matter because the biggest fear is that if I write here, and truly open up, people still know it is me. If I write something about someone in particular, especially when negative, what if they read it? Why do I really care about these things, surely I should just feel free to write what I want and think f**k it to them?
Well I just can't, that's not me - I never want to directly hurt people, without a doubt I can be one of the most infuriating people because I don't open up and I always say the wrong thing, but it's never meant to hurt anyone. This pass week I've managed to upset and hurt people that mater to me, I haven't meant to but I have. I guess no matter how much I try to open up, sometimes I don't do it enough or I am like a traffic light flashing from green to red with no warning as to when I will change. I make comments to people that are meant to be caring but they come out wrong

I guess we are all new to this world in some sort of way, like each day we all start from the exact same point, at midnight the day you were in has now past and there is sweet F A that you can do about it but you would be a nutcase if you didn't think about it - that's what memories are after all. We all start a day at 00:00 whether we work night shifts or a 9-5 job, are a postman or a student - the day in itself starts the same time for everyone and in that aspect we are new to it. We make predictions of what will happen but we can never know for sure.

I guess what I'm getting at is I don't believe in this destiny bull crap. You are yourself and you are the one that makes things happen. Stop making excuses about why things went wrong. You are yourself, sure there are outside incidents but essentially you control your life. If you decide to stay in bed all day, guess what, shit still carries on outside. If you get up and hit traffic on the way to work, well you left at that time that you did so you walked into this traffic. Stop making excuses, take control of your life. Of course there are things you can't control but there is a hell of a lot that you can.

What am I even writing haha? I guess I'm trying to clear my head. Like this is all cryptic and stuff but within it I am getting clarity.

Some memories are so awesome, but they should of stayed that way, memories. Everything has a deadline and once that point hits maybe you are better of letting go. I mean, when you go on holiday it is epic and you come back wanting it to have lasted longer. Surely that is better then letting it carry on for too long and end up hating it. Right? Apart from the leaving and letting go is hard, its impossible. I guess you get stuck in a rot, like when you are in a job and have aspirations yet you stay for too long and end up making it harder and harder to leave when perhaps you should of walked away earlier.

So now is your time to take control again, make that job change, go on that holiday, ask that girl out for dinner, get that new car/ house/ game/ movie. Make time for friends, I mean they are the ones that tell you when your being dumb and they are the ones that can make you feel more emotions than anyone else except your family. Your mates are the ones that choose to be around you so stop complaining about shit. If you want to do something, just do it. As long as it is legal and nobody else will be hurt just do it! No matter what you believe in you are only here as you once. If your a christian, a jew etc you may get to go to heaven, if you are a hindu there may be reincarnation, the point is you are here, right now, as you! I mean sure if reincarnation exists awesome, but if you were a bird, or a lion, you wouldn't have the brain you have now or the moment you are in right now. Life is precious, life is what you make of it. You control you and your life, so control it and stop being a passenger.

Life is your route to plan, you are going to make wrong turns, so what? You are going to get lost and be unsure of how to get back on track, but there is always a way. Obviously don't go planning the entire journey, take time to enjoy what is going on, the people you meet on this journey are essentially now a part of your story, from that guy that served you lunch to that girl that crossed the road in front of your car and smiled. They are now in your story and you are in theirs! That is kinda awesome how in your lifetime you can be in billions of peoples life stories. Do you wanna be that miserable git in the story, the guy people pity, or do you want to be that person that had a positive impact in some way? We may be here for 20 years, we may be here for 100 years, essentially we are writing our story and impacting other peoples. Nobody really wants a tragedy, they all want that feel good one where you cry, you laugh, you look into someone elses eyes and see them feel the same, just for that second, and if you have seen it before it still never gets old because it makes you feel good. Make your story that one that people who weren't a part wish they were and those who were feel so glad they were because now maybe their story will be a feel good one too.

Take control, don't let it happen, make it happen. Don't worry nobody knows what they are doing, but those who take control sure as hell can have better things happening in their story.

Why are you still reading? At 00:00 we will all be new to the day, I'm not saying wait until that time, but if you have to wait, if your one of those who put things off (I am one) then fine but do it this time, take control... TAKE CONTROL





















































Monday 10 September 2012

Fear

It has been a while, and that's mainly because I haven't really wanted to write anything, I've kind of lost inspiration but I guess now things are slightly different.

Fear is the tilte of this post, and as always someone before me has put into words my feeling better than I could ever.
"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."
Marcus Aurelius
 
I guess this quote is pretty bang on as the fear I have right now is an external one. To provide a bit of a recap back in March I hurt my knee playing football, 3 months later, after what I considered a reasonable rest (and following on from the Hospital telling me I was fine) I attempted to play football, and unsurprisingly my knee buckled again. I guess the best way to demonstrate the damage is through the pictures taken over the 3 days following the injury - look away now!


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
So yeah, not great. Fast forward to now and I have had an MRI scan, still in pain, although it is now intermittent which is better, and I got the call from the Doctors. "Mr Scully, the Dr would like you to come in for your results as soon as possible". Great, those final 4 words that we shorten to ASAP change the tone, it makes a person read into it and the fear and panic arrose. Unfortunately the first available appointment is Thursday at 11:10am so it's booked.
 
Before this confirmation I'd been brave, joking around saying things around how I just want a frigging operation so it is sorted. The issue is I love sport and it has been so hard the last few months not being able to do any, it pains me. We have had one of the best summers, despite what many believe, in a long time and there is nothing I would rather have done then to get a couple of beers and have a kick around in the park, diving around like I'm a child again. It has been so painful not being able to do that and I guess that is the biggest pain I have felt. As per usual I have kept it all inside but the inability to partake in running around and having fun has been soul destroying and just hurts so much.
 
Now, with the results in, the reality has hit. I'm now 99.9% sure I need an operation but the level of damage to my knee is unknown to be and all I can do right now is have my mind playing out scenario after scenario and none of them are good. What makes it worse is that I have to wait, for 2 more flipping days!
 
So let's lay the scenarios out, and yes some of them are stupid!
1) I need to have it amputated - ok highly unlikely, less then a million to 1 chance but hey who knows, the nerve damage could be so bad that it could spread and damage my lower half of my body.
2) I need keyhole surgery - the most likely scenario but dear god am i terrified about undergoing surgery. Yes I know it isn't that bad but there can be complications and I am scared of it all, what if I wake up during the op, added to that I won't be able to do sport for a further 6 months whilst it heals which is just ridiculous.
3) More in depth surgery. Ok I think this is pretty likely, I know something isn't right with it and I just don't think it is a simple fix. My biggest fear is that the surgery ends my participation in sport full stop. I can't even put into words how hard that would be for me and how much it would crush me. I want to have a son an be in charge of his football/ softball/ whatever sport team. I want to be able to play football with him, have fun, run around, enjoy him growing up and if the operation ended any chance of that then wow I would be destroyed.
4) There is nothing wrong - I feel I can safely say there is no chance of this, I know my own body.
 
So there it is, the most likely scenarios see me without sport for a period of time from 6 months to forever and that scares me, and right now I just can't stop thinking SHIT what will I do. I am terrified and has all just got real. This is no longer something I can laugh about, it is something that scares me and will be playing on my mind until Thursday. Yes I now I can't do anything about it but that doesn't mean anything to me right now. It is going to be on my mind and that is that.
 
The question is do I prepare myself for the worse news?
How do I conquer this fear of something that I can't  control?
How do I surpass my estimate of this fear to be able to get past it?
How do I get through this?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 





 

Sunday 1 July 2012

Day's Three and Four (Actually Just Day 3)

Woops, missed a day but I guess I can be forgiven due to being on holiday etc. So day 3... wow I need to retrack my memory to work out what I did, this trip is blending in to one whole day.

Ah, Ok so Day 3 was beach day. Keith managed to break the strap on his trusted Flip Flops so wanted to invest in some new ones. That meant a stroll through Silemma, through St Julians, up through PaceVille and to the shops. Walking in malta is a pleasure, sure it is hot but the sea views on the route are magical and the breeze refreshes you. The walk probably took the best part of an hour but it was good fun. So we get to the shop and I instinct buy some flip flops too, time to get the old feet tanned. Really good quality flip flops for 25 euro - bargain!! After "shopping" if I can call it that, we walked to the beach. As mentioned there is a festival in Malta at the moment so it was public holiday which ultimately meant that we would be going to a crowded beach. Upon arriving I was parched so we stopped in this nice little bar for a pint. The beach was super packed and the end with the fitties was vacant of space which meant we ended up near the families - no biggy.

The view even at the beach was awesome!




So after a good few hours lying around I walked into the sea, soooooooo refreshing, as it got deeper I swam a little and was in for a big shock when I put my foot down. Whilst it was still shallow, there was no longer sand underneath my feet and instead I managed to slam my right foot into a rock, a sharp one at that, great a cut foot, that is perfect for Flip Flops.......

We stayed there for a while and then headed back, planning to walk. On the walk we stopped in my old haunt, the Dubliners - if you ever go to Malta you have to go there, the staff are incredible, sure the drinks are a little pricier but it is awesome! After a drink we decided to hop on a bus back, that way it was a 10 minute journey. Now buses I remember in Malta are death traps, yellow metal on wheels with no door. They pack the buses like mad and have this annoying voice that says "Please move down" when it is clearly impossible to do so, and getting off the bus if you are at the back is not possible, you need to plan your exit about 4 stops before you get off. Added to that there were no bells, instead just a cord running across the side that you would pull and it would ring a minuscule bell next to the driver. Prepared for this we boarded and boy was I in for a shock. Now the buses are bigger, a different colour, and have bells - this isn't Malta!


Anyway we got back and decided to relax before our night out in Paceville or PV as it is known. There was a bit of miscommunication on what to eat between Keith and I so in the end it got to 10:30 and we hopped on the bus in with no food, woops!

PV had not changed! We started off in Hugos lounge, one of the few places you can take a seat close to midnight and Keith slammed his Magners down pretty darn quick. 3 drinks each later, and 40 minutes we moved on. This time to a place I'd never been and can't even remember its name however the antics in there will live forever. Within about 2 minutes the DJ played YMCA, Follow The Leader, We Will Rock You, Macarena and Mama Mia! What the hell???? Whilst it was enjoyable I'd had enough and we made a quick exit and moved to the next place. This time it was somewhere I had been before but a name I've forgotten. This was a bit more casual but now I had swapped my drink for the third time, onto Vodka Cranberry! YUMMMMMM.
It was a good laugh in there and provided me with a few stories I'm going to keep on the DL but let's say it was great to be back and I was on form :)

After we headed to Nordic Bar, another old haunt, to meet a few of my old mates. I saw Ian, had a quick drink and found out now their is an upstairs in Nordic Bar! Epic, up we go. Hmmmm let's just say it was a lot.... smaller than I imagined. I got talking to a lot of people and felt bad because Keith was little isolated but reassured me he was cool. I told a Swedish she was not swedish and then asked a Swedish guy if he thought she was, he was adamant that she was not so when I revealed she was he felt like a moron LOL! Unfortunately they got talking and she decided to tell him she wasn't which made him have a banter go at me and give me a friendly, but firm tap on my cheek for making him look like a fool. OH NO SHE DIDN'T! Determined to rectify this I forced her to admit to him she was at which point he looked at me and said "free slap back, hit me". I made sure this one time counted :)

Eventually we got a cab back and crashed at around 5am, felt like it was still 10pm... woops. Oh here are some pics of the night! Not sure if the vid will work!








Hmm poor quality, woops. Ok I can;t be bothered to write day 4 up as this was quite a long one, but I'll post it soon!

Friday 29 June 2012

The Rock - Day Two


So as expected yesterday was another drinking fueled day. After having a cool beer at Keith's whilst he finished off some work we took a wonder down to Fortina Hotel and Spa - that's right a Spa day ;)

Fortina Hotel is literally 2 minutes from Keiths but the difference in view is astronomical. They have a great set up with 3 pools (1 for children, a slightly deeper one next to it and the main pool). This all overlooks Valetta which is full of old buildings making for an incredible view from your sunlounger. Keith had told me that it is 12 Euro for theday or 6 Euro after 1:30 - we went at 1:45 and the swines had changed the time to 3:30 which meant we paid 12. Keith owed me 55 euro from the night before so this time it was on him. Whilst the beer was a little more expensive it was still less than £3 for a Stella. Fantastic!

We chilled by the pool for a while with Keith dipping in. I have a bit of an issue about my back, ever since I got burnt at 14 it has become very sensitive which means that in the summer it flares up with spots looking like the moons craters or a volcanic eruption - not the best. With that in mind I decided to keep my shirt on, that soon changed and I took a dip in the pool briefly which was refreshing.
Here's the view!


Unfortunately, despite lathering myself in sun lotion my stomach is now a lot redder than normal - sigh!
After Fortina we left for a walk back to Keiths to change. At 8ish we headed down to Surfside to chill on the cushions and watch the football! It's a shame it was dark as the picture from the night doesn't really show the view. To give you an idea the bar is right on the sea/ beach so I had a projector in front of me, and to my left the ocean! Not bad. 

Now in Malta the locals either claim to be English or Italian - or both. This meant that after Italy's surprise victory we knew what we were in for. On the walk back to Keiths the roads were almost at a standstill with people leaning out the windows, sitting in the open boot waving their flags. Its pretty cool but very OTT.

Keith was a little tired so we posponed the night out and stopped for a tasty chicken plate which was super healthy and tasty. When we got back I stayed up to watch some poker on my laptop and Keith hit the sack. I ended up staying up until 3am ish and went to bed myself - hardcore haha.

THis morning sees the start of a festival in Malta. A great ceremony with fantastic decorations on the street - it also means that at 7:30 am they were setting off fireworks essentially outside my bedroom window. Great wake up call - and they don't show anything just smoke because it is day time!!! They were the loudest fireworks ever it felt like someone was on a gun rampage outside, ah well leave them be - probably the same people beeping their horns celebrating Italy's win yesterday that are now Maltese again ;).

The plan today is to head to the beach and chill there - less alcohol in the day for Keith so that he can be awake for a night out and I will aim to drink more water but will likely have a couple of beers on the beach front! Not a bad life right now at all Also due to the heat etc I've seen myself lose some weight here - also the fact that the food is pretty healthy in the way it is cooked and the copious amounts of salad served with it!

I'll keep you all posted!

 


Thursday 28 June 2012

A journey to the rock

So it's nearly July and my last post was back in May, wow that is poor. To be honest nothing major has happened recently,nothing blog worthy anyway. Unfortunately my knee is still really bad which is frustrating but ho hum it'll fix and if not here's to the operation.

I kind of made a promise to myself to write about my current trip as it will serve me well to look over in the future. I am in Malta at the moment in glorious sunshine and absolutely loving it. Some of the loner term readers may remember that I was living here and working for 3 months 2 years ago and I made a snap decision that I wanted to visit again especially during the Euros as the Maltese are passionate about football.

So Wednesday I woke up at 3:30 am to get ready for my 4:15 am cab to take me to Luton airport. Everything was packed and I was good to go. Cab arrived on time and after realising our M1 junction was closed for roadworks (WTF) we took a detour through Watford, always good to have loads of time in hand as it made the journey relaxing. I got to the airport at 4:45 and went straight to check in. It was pretty funny seeing the two people in front of me get to the desk and get told their bags were overweight... noobs. I had no such worry and was checked in within 30 seconds of approaching the desk - ship it Ryan Air. Interestingly as my flight was not until 6:40 Luton have a new policy where you go back outside and in through the arrivals to go through security. Again pretty damn smooth, apart from having my phone swobbed - not sure how to react to that, they clearly think either I look dodgy or I look like a genius that can bombify my phone, either way no biggy.

Unfortunately going through the arrivals means that you are entering at departure gate 1 which whilst it was the one I'd be leaving from, has very little to offer. I took the long walk to gate 26 to get my breakfast. £10 for a beer and full english (2 has browns, 2 bacon, 2 sausage, 2 eggs, tomato and mushroom... the last two were left on the plate.) Bit odd to be having a beer at 5 am but was kind of fun. My baseball team SF Giants were playing our rivals the Dodgers so I managed to get that up on my phone and chill out. At about 6:15 casual walk to the gate and was thankful I had paid the extra £10 to reserve a seat - meant priority boarding so whilst all the cheapskates were in a 100 deep queue I got to walk straight on. After a seat change due to an obscenely obese woman sitting in row 1 and therefore not being fit enough to help open the emergency exit I ended up with even more leg room. It;s a little uncomfortable having 2 attractive air hostesses sitting opposite you when you take off but I did what all men should do and flirted my way to a number. No intention of calling, it was more an ego/ confidence booster to get the week started.

Malta airport are super quick and I was off the plane, collected my bag and in my pre booked cab 10 minutes before my plane was scheduled to land. Cabbie was cool and dropped me off at my mate Keiths. Keith is a legend for letting me stay at his and it is an amazing apartment. First thing I realised is how hot Malta is again... woops. Keith had some work to do so I sat in the sun looking at the view and playing a bit of online super low stakes poker (prop bet with a mate where I have to turn 0 into a decent amount which I won't name within 6 months). Poker session went well as I span the $5 up into 50. Keith finished working so off to the bars.

We went to an awesome bar with really nice cold beer. 6 hours later and a meal finally eaten we discussed where to watch the football. By this point I'm a little tipsy and tired and paid the bill. (6 hours, a lot of beer and two lovely burgers for 50 euro between us... awesome!!) Unfortunately we had no change for a tip so I turned to the girls behind to ask for change Obviously we could of got change from the waitress but this was an easy opener. The girls turned out to be Samantha - a recruiter out here, and Mimi - a Swedish girl who she was prepping for interview over a bottle of wine! They were lovely and we persuaded them to come to the football at a bar later. We shot home to shower, I wanted a nap but Keith refused to allow me to, and we headed out to the bar.

The bar was a regular haunt for me before and after being forced to drink a Cisk the time was hitting me. Sam sent a text saying she wasn't coming and to be honest I was glad, far too tired to go anywhere after the game, and to be honest the game sucked a bit. So at half time we took the 2 minute walk back to Keiths to watch the end. Within 5 minutes he was asleep so I stayed up watching the game before hitting the sack. Great first day.

Today I woke up at 9 after a good 8 hour sleep and feel refreshed. Keith had some work to do so I played a bit more poker (up to 100 now... boom) and wrote this.

Plan today was to go to a 5* hotel to chill at their 2 pools with amazing view - 12 euro to get in for the full day. It's now 12:30 so we are just doing the PM session for 6 euro and Keith is making me a bacon sandwich. I can't really complain. I think after the pool we will shower etc and head to ether a football club or Spinola bay to watch the game - should be a good one but a comfortable 3-1 victory for Germany with Ozil getting a goal that he deserves. I imagine we will hit PV (clubbing zone) tonight and it will be a late one. I have a fair few mates in Malta that will join us so it will be a fun day.

Here's to enjoying this week!

Wednesday 16 May 2012

Best Friend OR Worst Enemy

It's been a while since I have blogged and everything is going pretty well. I had a bit of a shock recently when I weighed myself, it turned out I had lost weight without realising, which is obviously great, but a little odd. I think a lot of it comes down to taking gluten out of the diet and being conscious of the amount of carbonated drinks I consume - this body is my only one, let's not destroy it.

So my knee has made developments, it is pretty damaged and the ligaments are not impressed with me. After it happened I purchased a new walking sticks, I'm so lame that I got a replica of Hugh Laurie's in House in the hope it would make me look AWESOME. In my opinion it did. The problem is that despite 3 people making spontaneous references to it, the only compliments I was getting were from the elderly ladies. They would ask me where I got my stick for and compliment me on it whilst I looked at theirs in disgust, I mean come on if you have to use a stick then surely get an epic one not some massive looped one that makes you look.... well elderly haha.

In all seriousness I have come on recovering ahead of my expectations. I am under no illusions that I am out of sport (baseball and football :(   ) for the next 3 months but I am free from my stick and this week started driving again. It is mental how much you miss not having full use, walking down stairs is super wobbly as the ligament that suffered the worst damage is the one that keeps our balance.... uh oh.

Being able to drive again is awesome. I really appreciated my lifts too and from work but unfortunately if your lift is late it makes you late and that ultimately pisses me right off as the one thing I hate is being late.

With regards to my love life, a lot of people have been asking. It's kind of a weird situation. It took me a while to feel ready to go out into the world as a single guy again, and I never go out looking to pull, that's just not me. Now that I was feeling better about socialising and my social life had come back to being great, my knee decided to go on vacation so, for the next few weeks at least, there will be no updates on the love life. I'm also in a weird spot regarding all of that. As regular readers would know my goal is to get back to America to stay permanently, and my timeline means this should be soon so I kind of don't want to date anyone here. I'm worried that what if I find someone I really care about and ultimately I end up staying here, would I end up resenting them for preventing me from achieving my dream?

Ah well - at least I have friends around, with regular poker happening with the lads again, my body and eating health wise improving (more on that in 3 months) and my mood being better than for a while life is looking goood!!!!

Catch up with you all soon and don't be afraid to comment :) Seeing how many views I get is such a boost for morale and thank you for that!