So this is it, the end of the year and another fast approaching. It's the time we all come up with things we are going to do the next year, or not do, in order to make the year better and healthier.
The thing is, I'm alive, I'm happy and I have friends and family that I wouldn't ever change. From passing my house on their way home and calling to see if I want a chat, to those that are there every week playing poker. From those that are in England, and those that are not. None of them are any better or worse than the others, the relationships I have made are ones that have made me. Every person in my life has made me who I am and without them I wouldn't have the same clarity and happiness I have. Sure it is a new year, and of course I will nulify this paragraph by listing what I would like to do in the new year, but none of them are set in stone. Why force yourself to do something, it could make you miss out on opportunities that occur at random and these are some of the best ones in our life.
WhatI learnt last year has given me the clarity for the new year. I learnt how to love, and cope with being 5000 miles from her. It wasn't easy and to be honest its been really tough the last few months. The spark has gone, you see a gust of wind a thousand miles away is enough to blow out a flame, it's not as easy to reignite from distance. Whilst having some thinking time last night words came to mind, not written by anyone, not vert good, just my own, and I thought I'd put them on here.
"A gust of wind from a hundred miles can make a flame go out, if I set fire to place round here, will the emblems be picked up by this wind that took the spark away, and go back, reach you, touch you, help you remember, and relight the spark in your heart? I can do what I can, but not what I can't for the fire burns bright in my heart, it doesn't make sense how yours has gone out, but I can't beat myself up, all I hope is a spark comes back, whether its from me or someone else"
Damn that is shit haha. It sounded better when I hummed it in a shower to some kind of tune. Anyway, look I've learnt to be stronger, to be happy and grateful, to appreciate, and to act with conviction. It has been a very hard year, with a new job and moving back in to my parents, less money, but not less happiness, more appreciation for things that don't cost money.
So next year what do I want? Well I want to be in, or close to being in America.
I want to finally be disciplined with bankroll management for poker, and for life. I want to make people smile. I want to run a half marathon, I want my back to be straight again. I want my family and friends to be healthy and happy. I want to live for work rather than work to live (in other words enjoy my work).
Are there resolutions in there? Maybe yes, but there more general aims, how I get there I'm not going to define now, but I will doing everything I can to allow destiny to take me to my future by being open to opportunities.
Happy new year, I love you all.
Saturday 31 December 2011
Tuesday 27 December 2011
Do not read unless you want to see the emo side of me and feel depressed.
I strongly want to say that this is not the best thing to read over christmas, this is a time for happiness and joy, and i loved my christmas this year, the food and company was amazing! However its boxing day and theres things i have to type because otherwise i think what if, and id rather regret something I have done then something I have failed to do.
It's official, this sucks. I just can't plan, and don't get me wrong, I love spontaneous acts, times when you go out with no plan and let it happen, but this is my life.
I don't think anyone can truly understand what I feel, its odd, i 100% understand everything yet I still feel hurt and stuff. Its a situation where its logical but at times it feels like I no longer matter and I cant say it because saying it through a text or message on facebook leads it to be read in a different way and it backfires.
I really think the realisation is that after 5 months since seeing her., and spending 8 days together in the last 12 months its likely going to be a very short time spent together again, and probably not even for my birthday. I feel guilty for feeling disappointed. You see I tend to not care about my birthday, its just another day, but what I want is her there for my birthday, in my mind I flew there for hers and just for that and I want the same if that makes sense. I know we cant control out health and stuff like that, and how american politics through health demand them to be super cautious and over protective because there paying for that shit so doctors demand catch up appointments just so they can rape your cheque book again, whereas with our healthcare being free doctors go, woops theres your tonsils gone, go eat crisps and toast and stop being a pussy. Its a different world and I have to accept that.
The other thing is, christmas is the best time of the year for me, it reminds me of my grandma in australia. I remember the first time I flew there to see her, meeting her (after so long, so the first real memory of her)I suddenly felt purpose, I had so many charactreristics in my personality that had come from her. We were connected, so connected that in a few years when sadly she passed away she appeared to me, in a dream or in person i dont care, and said goodbye, and i burst into tears, ran into my parents room and told them she was dead, 10 minutes later we got a phone call from Australia confirming it.
Anyway in the same year I was reconnected with her we flew back again to spend christmas there and she hated christmas, but we hung a tiny tree from her light and she smiled. It was like we bought the meaning of christmas to her, sharing it with your family having fun and giving thanks for them. Ever since then I have always loved Christmas and enjoyed it so much, its about family and giving. I guess I dont care too much about present receiving, but I spend an age planning what to get them, i put so much thought into it and dont expect much back. This year it felt like something was missing.
I guess all I want for the next year is to feel appreciated. Hearing or reading the words "I love you" mean so much more when you havent said them first. Having someone reach out to you more often rather than you reaching out the most. Getting messages on facebook profile letting you know your being thought about, or seeing it in their status or profile picture or blog, just one of them, even without mentioning me but mentioning how happy you are with a present. Even sending a present to me, fuck i dont care what it is, a card, a letter, from anyone! I see myself as very understanding and I try to pride myself on being understanding, but wheres the line where your being walked all over and being mugged off? I guess I just want to feel like im not a third or fourth choice, that im important, that I belong.
Damn this is frigging depressing and thats why the title is what it is, I just want to get whats in my head out and I have because its eating away and i cant say it because its not fair to say it and im a prick for writing it, but i had to.
It's official, this sucks. I just can't plan, and don't get me wrong, I love spontaneous acts, times when you go out with no plan and let it happen, but this is my life.
I don't think anyone can truly understand what I feel, its odd, i 100% understand everything yet I still feel hurt and stuff. Its a situation where its logical but at times it feels like I no longer matter and I cant say it because saying it through a text or message on facebook leads it to be read in a different way and it backfires.
I really think the realisation is that after 5 months since seeing her., and spending 8 days together in the last 12 months its likely going to be a very short time spent together again, and probably not even for my birthday. I feel guilty for feeling disappointed. You see I tend to not care about my birthday, its just another day, but what I want is her there for my birthday, in my mind I flew there for hers and just for that and I want the same if that makes sense. I know we cant control out health and stuff like that, and how american politics through health demand them to be super cautious and over protective because there paying for that shit so doctors demand catch up appointments just so they can rape your cheque book again, whereas with our healthcare being free doctors go, woops theres your tonsils gone, go eat crisps and toast and stop being a pussy. Its a different world and I have to accept that.
The other thing is, christmas is the best time of the year for me, it reminds me of my grandma in australia. I remember the first time I flew there to see her, meeting her (after so long, so the first real memory of her)I suddenly felt purpose, I had so many charactreristics in my personality that had come from her. We were connected, so connected that in a few years when sadly she passed away she appeared to me, in a dream or in person i dont care, and said goodbye, and i burst into tears, ran into my parents room and told them she was dead, 10 minutes later we got a phone call from Australia confirming it.
Anyway in the same year I was reconnected with her we flew back again to spend christmas there and she hated christmas, but we hung a tiny tree from her light and she smiled. It was like we bought the meaning of christmas to her, sharing it with your family having fun and giving thanks for them. Ever since then I have always loved Christmas and enjoyed it so much, its about family and giving. I guess I dont care too much about present receiving, but I spend an age planning what to get them, i put so much thought into it and dont expect much back. This year it felt like something was missing.
I guess all I want for the next year is to feel appreciated. Hearing or reading the words "I love you" mean so much more when you havent said them first. Having someone reach out to you more often rather than you reaching out the most. Getting messages on facebook profile letting you know your being thought about, or seeing it in their status or profile picture or blog, just one of them, even without mentioning me but mentioning how happy you are with a present. Even sending a present to me, fuck i dont care what it is, a card, a letter, from anyone! I see myself as very understanding and I try to pride myself on being understanding, but wheres the line where your being walked all over and being mugged off? I guess I just want to feel like im not a third or fourth choice, that im important, that I belong.
Damn this is frigging depressing and thats why the title is what it is, I just want to get whats in my head out and I have because its eating away and i cant say it because its not fair to say it and im a prick for writing it, but i had to.
Wednesday 14 December 2011
"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen"
So I haven't started with a title for this blog entry,just because I haven't quite decided what I am going to talk about,I just want to be honest to my writing style and have this post ridiculed with spelling mistakes, letters missing, wrong word choice, but honest and my mind.
Ok found one, and it is an epic quote credit to Ralph Waldo Emerson for that
As per usual I don't care who reads, this is for me because writing things down makes it all make sense. I do find it strange, recently my self belief, confidence, happiness and love for who I am has increased. At the same time stress at work, lack of control of the future, and confusion and nerves about it have increased. It doesn't make sense,essentially how happy am I, is it all a cover up? I don't think so, but I do feel that the picture in my head of where I want to be is starting to be more then a drunken pencil outline sketch.
You see the thing is I want to live in America. I guess to some thats obvious, I have awesome friends there, I fell in love there, I felt loved by so many people there, and I had the time of my life there. At the same time before I went I wanted to live there. Sure my experiences have increased my desire to get there.It is my future, I know that much. The ability to jump on a $40 return plane flight from SF to LA or Vegas with pretty much no notice to go and see friends is astonishing. It is crazy to think, I live in England and the rest of Europe is so close but we never take random weekend trips there. I guess the main reason is they speak a different language and it costs more, whereas in America they all speak close to the same..... just with different twangs and continual disregard towards the science and creation of English, but that is why I love them.
There is a lot going on in my personal/ love life too, stuff for me, however what I will say is how proud I am of her, this girl is a genius, kind, caring, and honest (add to that beautiful). This year hasen't been the easiest for her but she has graduated! Soon after graduating her dream internship is a reality... working with dolphins, in Israel centred around psychology. I am so happy for her as this is her dream and it needs to be seized. Of course it has an impact on her visit and travelling in Europe and that is up in the air at the moment, but so what! Damn a dream internship does not come along everyday, your lucky if it ever can happen in your life and if it comes along you have to be focused on you, especially for her, she aims to make everyone happy, well now its time for her to be happy and live that mother flipping dream, and its because she is so clever and good at juggling commitments that she has had this opportunity for her dream. If anything this proves that you HAVE to work for your dreams, they won't just drop in your lap you have to earn the right to have the opportunity. Its like the universe rewards you, it knows what you want, and acknowledges what you have done so it gives you the opportunity, its up to you to seize the day.
SO yes, I am going to move to America, next year ideally, 2013 at the latest, and I will miss soooo many people here, but I know they all know it is my dream,and whilst they will be disappointed (hey its natural) they will understand I have to do this. I don;t quite know exactly how I'm going to get there, but things are taking shape and its so exciting. I guess going back to the start of the post it does make sense now. I do kind of know the future, and I can control it to some extent, and I'm bloody working hard to let the universe acknowledge it, and Im happy because of all of that. Sure I have been extra emotional, who wouldn't be, it is almost exactly one year since I left America, and that hurts... I left. Would life have been different if I stayed somehow? Who knows, who cares, forget about the past, the past wont get me anywhere now, its the present that defines my future, so I guess I really need to keep focused, work hard, make sure I relax more so im not as tense and emotional, and be the best I can.
Sugar Im at the end now and none of what I wrote makes too much sense or has provided me with a blog title. I guess what I want to put in here now is a paragraph from Russel Bishop - check him out he rocks!
"
Energy Follows Thought
Have you ever noticed that if you persist in a thought, some kind of energy will begin to show up? In can be as simple as thinking about eating a favorite food and having saliva show up in your mouth. For those who need something even more basic, have you ever gotten yourself excited simply by holding a thought in your head? There are countless examples that could be developed here, but I think the basic idea should be pretty obvious: hold a thought in your head long enough and you will begin to experience some kind of energy related to the thought.
However, day dreaming about food or sex or a new job or becoming the next zillionaire will probably not be sufficient to create any change in your circumstance. Sooner or later, you are going to have to act on your thoughts, and you will probably need some kind of energy to get you going.
Thought, in this case, a form of thought I am calling a positive focus, is a necessary but not sufficient precursor to creating something in life. That's because, the universe rewards action, not thought.
The Universe Rewards Action, Not Thought
If all it took were a few well imagined circumstances and persistent positive thought, there would be all manner of zillionaires out there. However, it is probably evident to most that you are unlikely to produce much of substance simply by thinking about something.
Sooner or later, you are going to have get up off your duff, get yourself actively engaged in the area of your focus, and start to do the work necessary. Surely it is obvious that results typically come after some kind of effort or energy is expended in a particular direction.
Notice that I did not say that just because you hold a positive thought, something positive will occur. Neither did I say that just because you got all energized about it, something positive would occur. In fact, you can hold a real nice, positive thought about a great outcome, get yourself revved up about it, do a whole bunch of things that you think should work and still come up short.
That's because the universe rewards action, not thought. And, sometimes the "rewards" may take the form of "negative" results or "negative" feedback.
The tricky part here is that when you hold a thought about a positive outcome and take affirmative action in that direction, the universe will reward your involvement, it will provide feedback. However, that doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to get what you were hoping for.
Sometimes, feedback shows up to let you know you are off course. Is that negative feedback? Well, yes, in a way. However, it could be the kind of negative feedback that tells you the bridge is out and you need to take an alternative route. Sometimes, negative feedback has a really positive impact.
Ok found one, and it is an epic quote credit to Ralph Waldo Emerson for that
As per usual I don't care who reads, this is for me because writing things down makes it all make sense. I do find it strange, recently my self belief, confidence, happiness and love for who I am has increased. At the same time stress at work, lack of control of the future, and confusion and nerves about it have increased. It doesn't make sense,essentially how happy am I, is it all a cover up? I don't think so, but I do feel that the picture in my head of where I want to be is starting to be more then a drunken pencil outline sketch.
You see the thing is I want to live in America. I guess to some thats obvious, I have awesome friends there, I fell in love there, I felt loved by so many people there, and I had the time of my life there. At the same time before I went I wanted to live there. Sure my experiences have increased my desire to get there.It is my future, I know that much. The ability to jump on a $40 return plane flight from SF to LA or Vegas with pretty much no notice to go and see friends is astonishing. It is crazy to think, I live in England and the rest of Europe is so close but we never take random weekend trips there. I guess the main reason is they speak a different language and it costs more, whereas in America they all speak close to the same..... just with different twangs and continual disregard towards the science and creation of English, but that is why I love them.
There is a lot going on in my personal/ love life too, stuff for me, however what I will say is how proud I am of her, this girl is a genius, kind, caring, and honest (add to that beautiful). This year hasen't been the easiest for her but she has graduated! Soon after graduating her dream internship is a reality... working with dolphins, in Israel centred around psychology. I am so happy for her as this is her dream and it needs to be seized. Of course it has an impact on her visit and travelling in Europe and that is up in the air at the moment, but so what! Damn a dream internship does not come along everyday, your lucky if it ever can happen in your life and if it comes along you have to be focused on you, especially for her, she aims to make everyone happy, well now its time for her to be happy and live that mother flipping dream, and its because she is so clever and good at juggling commitments that she has had this opportunity for her dream. If anything this proves that you HAVE to work for your dreams, they won't just drop in your lap you have to earn the right to have the opportunity. Its like the universe rewards you, it knows what you want, and acknowledges what you have done so it gives you the opportunity, its up to you to seize the day.
SO yes, I am going to move to America, next year ideally, 2013 at the latest, and I will miss soooo many people here, but I know they all know it is my dream,and whilst they will be disappointed (hey its natural) they will understand I have to do this. I don;t quite know exactly how I'm going to get there, but things are taking shape and its so exciting. I guess going back to the start of the post it does make sense now. I do kind of know the future, and I can control it to some extent, and I'm bloody working hard to let the universe acknowledge it, and Im happy because of all of that. Sure I have been extra emotional, who wouldn't be, it is almost exactly one year since I left America, and that hurts... I left. Would life have been different if I stayed somehow? Who knows, who cares, forget about the past, the past wont get me anywhere now, its the present that defines my future, so I guess I really need to keep focused, work hard, make sure I relax more so im not as tense and emotional, and be the best I can.
Sugar Im at the end now and none of what I wrote makes too much sense or has provided me with a blog title. I guess what I want to put in here now is a paragraph from Russel Bishop - check him out he rocks!
"
Energy Follows Thought
Have you ever noticed that if you persist in a thought, some kind of energy will begin to show up? In can be as simple as thinking about eating a favorite food and having saliva show up in your mouth. For those who need something even more basic, have you ever gotten yourself excited simply by holding a thought in your head? There are countless examples that could be developed here, but I think the basic idea should be pretty obvious: hold a thought in your head long enough and you will begin to experience some kind of energy related to the thought.
However, day dreaming about food or sex or a new job or becoming the next zillionaire will probably not be sufficient to create any change in your circumstance. Sooner or later, you are going to have to act on your thoughts, and you will probably need some kind of energy to get you going.
Thought, in this case, a form of thought I am calling a positive focus, is a necessary but not sufficient precursor to creating something in life. That's because, the universe rewards action, not thought.
The Universe Rewards Action, Not Thought
If all it took were a few well imagined circumstances and persistent positive thought, there would be all manner of zillionaires out there. However, it is probably evident to most that you are unlikely to produce much of substance simply by thinking about something.
Sooner or later, you are going to have get up off your duff, get yourself actively engaged in the area of your focus, and start to do the work necessary. Surely it is obvious that results typically come after some kind of effort or energy is expended in a particular direction.
Notice that I did not say that just because you hold a positive thought, something positive will occur. Neither did I say that just because you got all energized about it, something positive would occur. In fact, you can hold a real nice, positive thought about a great outcome, get yourself revved up about it, do a whole bunch of things that you think should work and still come up short.
That's because the universe rewards action, not thought. And, sometimes the "rewards" may take the form of "negative" results or "negative" feedback.
The tricky part here is that when you hold a thought about a positive outcome and take affirmative action in that direction, the universe will reward your involvement, it will provide feedback. However, that doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to get what you were hoping for.
Sometimes, feedback shows up to let you know you are off course. Is that negative feedback? Well, yes, in a way. However, it could be the kind of negative feedback that tells you the bridge is out and you need to take an alternative route. Sometimes, negative feedback has a really positive impact.
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