Fear is the tilte of this post, and as always someone before me has put into words my feeling better than I could ever.
"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."
Marcus Aurelius
I guess this quote is pretty bang on as the fear I have right now is an external one. To provide a bit of a recap back in March I hurt my knee playing football, 3 months later, after what I considered a reasonable rest (and following on from the Hospital telling me I was fine) I attempted to play football, and unsurprisingly my knee buckled again. I guess the best way to demonstrate the damage is through the pictures taken over the 3 days following the injury - look away now!
So yeah, not great. Fast forward to now and I have had an MRI scan, still in pain, although it is now intermittent which is better, and I got the call from the Doctors. "Mr Scully, the Dr would like you to come in for your results as soon as possible". Great, those final 4 words that we shorten to ASAP change the tone, it makes a person read into it and the fear and panic arrose. Unfortunately the first available appointment is Thursday at 11:10am so it's booked.
Before this confirmation I'd been brave, joking around saying things around how I just want a frigging operation so it is sorted. The issue is I love sport and it has been so hard the last few months not being able to do any, it pains me. We have had one of the best summers, despite what many believe, in a long time and there is nothing I would rather have done then to get a couple of beers and have a kick around in the park, diving around like I'm a child again. It has been so painful not being able to do that and I guess that is the biggest pain I have felt. As per usual I have kept it all inside but the inability to partake in running around and having fun has been soul destroying and just hurts so much.
Now, with the results in, the reality has hit. I'm now 99.9% sure I need an operation but the level of damage to my knee is unknown to be and all I can do right now is have my mind playing out scenario after scenario and none of them are good. What makes it worse is that I have to wait, for 2 more flipping days!
So let's lay the scenarios out, and yes some of them are stupid!
1) I need to have it amputated - ok highly unlikely, less then a million to 1 chance but hey who knows, the nerve damage could be so bad that it could spread and damage my lower half of my body.
2) I need keyhole surgery - the most likely scenario but dear god am i terrified about undergoing surgery. Yes I know it isn't that bad but there can be complications and I am scared of it all, what if I wake up during the op, added to that I won't be able to do sport for a further 6 months whilst it heals which is just ridiculous.
3) More in depth surgery. Ok I think this is pretty likely, I know something isn't right with it and I just don't think it is a simple fix. My biggest fear is that the surgery ends my participation in sport full stop. I can't even put into words how hard that would be for me and how much it would crush me. I want to have a son an be in charge of his football/ softball/ whatever sport team. I want to be able to play football with him, have fun, run around, enjoy him growing up and if the operation ended any chance of that then wow I would be destroyed.
4) There is nothing wrong - I feel I can safely say there is no chance of this, I know my own body.
So there it is, the most likely scenarios see me without sport for a period of time from 6 months to forever and that scares me, and right now I just can't stop thinking SHIT what will I do. I am terrified and has all just got real. This is no longer something I can laugh about, it is something that scares me and will be playing on my mind until Thursday. Yes I now I can't do anything about it but that doesn't mean anything to me right now. It is going to be on my mind and that is that.
The question is do I prepare myself for the worse news?
How do I conquer this fear of something that I can't control?
How do I surpass my estimate of this fear to be able to get past it?
How do I get through this?
