I love american football. I can;t wait to be living there so that the games are on at a normal time and not thisgod forsaken time. Great starts now, ends 12 if I'm lucky.

Anyway I was going to blog about Friday night but dont really know how to phrase it all. The only way I can put this is this, I meant someone that made it feel like evrything that happened was a tv program and not real. His actions were ridiculous, they don't happen in the real world, people aren't that messed up in the mind. Everything about it is unexplainable, yet if I saw it in a american sitcom it would be hilarious and make perfect sense. The only way I could react to everything was to let it happen, it was so funny and a crazy experience.

ANyway like I said it can't be explained. Rest of the weekend was chilled out, I'm looking forward to next weekend, not much going on but it should be good nevertheless.

I dunno this was fun to type

Give me that towel, that bed sheet, that t-shirt, those clothes.
GIve me that shoelace, that wooly hat, that scarf, those robes.
Just give me something, something thats clean, something that's white
I need to wave it around if its white, if its colourful il wear it.
It's help cover up the real me, become someone else, become hidden, become a disguise.

No fuck it, take back all those items, im me, im real, im alive.
Fuck it, not enough time, not enough strength, can't be bothered to try.
Or maybe im strong enough, im moving on, the past has gone.
I've given my all, I'm looking ahead, I'm saying fuck it.
Losing touch of myself, losing touch with my friends, whys it been so damn long?

Is this my job, my life, my future, my world?
It doesn't have to be, don't lose touch of my goals.
Focus on me, the future, my passion, my love.
The past is gone, its left us behind, but we made it.
The future is ours now, the pasts what it is, the present is enough.

Back to work but needing health!

So it was back to work today, which meant an early night yesterday right? Wrong! After getting in bed at 9pm I found myself restless, coughing, sneezing, with a runny nose and constantly going from being boiling hot to freezing cold. Yes that is right I have a cold, but not just any old cold.... the dreaded man flu :p Ok exageration but the night was spent getting up to open a window, lying down, getting up to get water, lying down, getting up to shut the window, lying down, getting up to go to the toilet thanks to the water that I'd drunk, lying down, and so on. Fan blooming tastic. Anyway the last time I looked at my phone before falling asleep it read 4:35 am, 7 and a half hours after I'd first got in to bed. See this is the problem with being ill, it makes you miserable and you swear that if you can be better you will be so so happy and you will never take being healthy for granted again, you will do anything just please let me be better. I'm almost at that stage, you see I don't do being ill, I can't just lie in bed that is not my style at all. I don't like taking medication because your body is meant to fight itself, that way you stand a better chance of being immune, or better tolerant to it. Well I have had to cave in because I need to be able to talk for work so let's hope that this works and I'll deal with it coming back when it does, but I'll try and eat more fruit.

In March I've decided to run 5miles with work for charity. 5 miles isn't that far if we are honest, and I've been told 40 minutes would be very good, so I need to beat that by some way, this month and next month I will aim to jog 5 km at least 4 times a week and want my time to be under 23 minutes by my birthday. In order to do so I need to get healthy soon, and probably get my back sorted out, finally I need to make sure I am eating healthly and not drinking much alcohol or fizzy drinks.

Finally it is amazing how she can still make my day from 5000 miles away, just by sending a text saying she hopes it reaches me and that I had a good new year. It was so nice to read that and nice to hear certain words.

Anyway this was a brief blog a quick daily update and a nice end to the day for me.

This is crazy, being off work and having this free time all I want to do is write. I've had a few ideas for a book or movie that I want to get started on and I've written a fair bit so maybe I'll focus on that more.

It's been incredible, recently I have had more people viewing my blog and telling me in person they admire my honesty and the fact I write what I feel. The thing is, nothing I write is ever written to hurt anyone and I try to make sure I don't but if anybody does read something I write and is offended then I am sorry you are offended but not sorry I wrote it as I want to stay true to myself by writing my thoughts and emotions. It means that on days you will see a really positive post, others a sad version but writing just puts my mind at ease and me at peace.

This break has been required, it has been so pleasant and given me time to think, and be me rather than a robot. My job is tough, it is heavily commission based and I have had a change in managers and approach which I had to adapt to only for it to change back after his departure. The long hours and the stress often means that in evenings I don't want to talk to anyone because I want my conversations to be good and happy however I still enjoy interaction with people. As I've said in previous posts I have direction with my life, well maybe not so much my life but certainly the next year or so.

Today is going to be interesting, it was nice picking my sister up to get her car and having a drink, we don't talk much anymore and that is massively down to me. She is always inviting me for drinks with her and her friends, I don't do that back for two reasons, firstly there hasn't been much going out recently, secondly I am super protective of her and while it might not make sense I don't like to have her around my friends when they are drunk in case someone says something I don't like, or someone we don't know does either. Nevertheless a quiet drink is something I want to do more with her this year.

The rest of the day is pretty much planned. Shortly I will be going to meet one of the most bubbly, happy people I have ever been blessed to know at Kings Cross. She was my girlfriends roomate in America and she is coming to England to study so I'm sure she will be over excited. It will be fun but I'm not feeling too great today, severe lack of sleep caused by new years, and watching NFL yesterday has made me fall victim to a cold of sorts with a lack of my voice. I need it back for tomorrow so in honesty I am hoping to spend an hour or so with her and then shoot home for some warm ribena and an early night! I'm hardcore I know!!

Tomorrow it is back to work, back to reality. I feel prepared and positive about work and what I can achieve over the next quarter. It's time to step up and impress and I kind of can't wait. It will be good to see the faces of people I spend 60 hours a week with so yeah it should be good.

Well this blog hasn't been as crazy as others but I wanted to write. Another thing in the pipeline this year is my business, my company, lets get it launched this year it willbe fun and exciting I just need to start have conversations with the investors again.

Have a good time back at work all.

Start as you mean to go on

Wow, what a New Years Eve, I had no idea or concept of time the whole night. I can now state that I had the opportunity to do a 38 second countdown, at one point turned in to everyone going THE 12th DONG, THE 12TH DONG!!! followed by a rushed 3,2,1, and disappointingly no Auld Lang Syne but ho hum such is life. What did happen was some epic cracker pulling followed by a tasty minature cigar and a glass of champagne, it sounds kind of classy and in all of our heads it was, but I'm sure to anyone looking from the outside in, it probably would of looked like feeding time at the lion enclosure.

Talking about Lions, I just want to spin into Tigers, you see I lost 50p to Tomek as I was convinced a female Tiger was not called a Tigeress. We backed this up by asking his cousin and her friends, to which the answers we go were "Lioness, Leopard" sigh kids today. Anyway turns out it is a Tigeress and I think that sucks, I want a new word for it.

Also, anyone reading this blog, can you name a single Female Professor in a Horror Movie? It's a subject of debate and I for one am stumped.

Ok so what else happened last night, well apart from my usual traight of outwitting somebody to the extent they stormed out in defeat over a disturbing debate on whether Women should pay for Tampons (yh I know, sigh how do I get involved in this shizzle?), I also got involved in a very good debate about whether the UK should be part of the EU, and from a legal background I for one am sick of the inconcistincies and lack of democracy yet see that leaving the EU could lead to the extreme situation of rationing again :s. I dunno but I guess my point is America, it's not amazing for law but they have Federal Law and State Law, obviously a Federal Law can make states stop doing certain things, but some of the laws made by the Federal Legislative bodies allow states to opt in or opt out. It works better than this EU bullshit so why not give it a try? I guess by the time any of this really affects me I will be living in America anyway :P

Who'd of thought an intelligent conversation would take place at 3am after drinking from 6pm? Ah well Tomek never ceases to amaze me.

So here's the thing, last night I enjoyed myself a lot, I spent it with family friends I have known my whole life, friends I have known the last 6 months, and new friends I had never met before. It was awesome and it made me realise that this is what I want this year. To stay in touch with friends from my past, keep close with recent friends, and make many more. What I do want to avoid though is getting home as the sun rises, never fun when I struggle to sleep if there is even a hint of light coming off my laptop, or the standby button on the TV let alone the morning ummmm Sun??? shining through.

SO here's to this year, and here is to the people that made last year so incredible, I could sit here and write something about each and every one of you but I won't. You all know how awesome you are, how much I love you, and how thankful I am to have you as part of my life... as a part of me. I can't promise we won't argue, I can't say it will always be fun, but what I do know is if we wrote down every event or chat over thenext year, the good times will outweight the bad 100 to 1. If you didn't argue with someone ever than it's a problem, if you argue too much, it's a problem, but any problem is resolveable as long as you hang on to the good times you have you will see that a true friend stands by, picks you up after punching you to the ground, and says the dumbest stuff when they have nothing to say just to make you laugh.

Thanks all and let's make this year count, this is for us, this is for now, this is for living.

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us. "Hal Borland"

So this is it, the end of the year and another fast approaching. It's the time we all come up with things we are going to do the next year, or not do, in order to make the year better and healthier.

The thing is, I'm alive, I'm happy and I have friends and family that I wouldn't ever change. From passing my house on their way home and calling to see if I want a chat, to those that are there every week playing poker. From those that are in England, and those that are not. None of them are any better or worse than the others, the relationships I have made are ones that have made me. Every person in my life has made me who I am and without them I wouldn't have the same clarity and happiness I have. Sure it is a new year, and of course I will nulify this paragraph by listing what I would like to do in the new year, but none of them are set in stone. Why force yourself to do something, it could make you miss out on opportunities that occur at random and these are some of the best ones in our life.

WhatI learnt last year has given me the clarity for the new year. I learnt how to love, and cope with being 5000 miles from her. It wasn't easy and to be honest its been really tough the last few months. The spark has gone, you see a gust of wind a thousand miles away is enough to blow out a flame, it's not as easy to reignite from distance. Whilst having some thinking time last night words came to mind, not written by anyone, not vert good, just my own, and I thought I'd put them on here.
"A gust of wind from a hundred miles can make a flame go out, if I set fire to place round here, will the emblems be picked up by this wind that took the spark away, and go back, reach you, touch you, help you remember, and relight the spark in your heart? I can do what I can, but not what I can't for the fire burns bright in my heart, it doesn't make sense how yours has gone out, but I can't beat myself up, all I hope is a spark comes back, whether its from me or someone else"

Damn that is shit haha. It sounded better when I hummed it in a shower to some kind of tune. Anyway, look I've learnt to be stronger, to be happy and grateful, to appreciate, and to act with conviction. It has been a very hard year, with a new job and moving back in to my parents, less money, but not less happiness, more appreciation for things that don't cost money.

So next year what do I want? Well I want to be in, or close to being in America.
I want to finally be disciplined with bankroll management for poker, and for life. I want to make people smile. I want to run a half marathon, I want my back to be straight again. I want my family and friends to be healthy and happy. I want to live for work rather than work to live (in other words enjoy my work).

Are there resolutions in there? Maybe yes, but there more general aims, how I get there I'm not going to define now, but I will doing everything I can to allow destiny to take me to my future by being open to opportunities.

Happy new year, I love you all.

Do not read unless you want to see the emo side of me and feel depressed.

I strongly want to say that this is not the best thing to read over christmas, this is a time for happiness and joy, and i loved my christmas this year, the food and company was amazing! However its boxing day and theres things i have to type because otherwise i think what if, and id rather regret something I have done then something I have failed to do.

It's official, this sucks. I just can't plan, and don't get me wrong, I love spontaneous acts, times when you go out with no plan and let it happen, but this is my life.

I don't think anyone can truly understand what I feel, its odd, i 100% understand everything yet I still feel hurt and stuff. Its a situation where its logical but at times it feels like I no longer matter and I cant say it because saying it through a text or message on facebook leads it to be read in a different way and it backfires.

I really think the realisation is that after 5 months since seeing her., and spending 8 days together in the last 12 months its likely going to be a very short time spent together again, and probably not even for my birthday. I feel guilty for feeling disappointed. You see I tend to not care about my birthday, its just another day, but what I want is her there for my birthday, in my mind I flew there for hers and just for that and I want the same if that makes sense. I know we cant control out health and stuff like that, and how american politics through health demand them to be super cautious and over protective because there paying for that shit so doctors demand catch up appointments just so they can rape your cheque book again, whereas with our healthcare being free doctors go, woops theres your tonsils gone, go eat crisps and toast and stop being a pussy. Its a different world and I have to accept that.

The other thing is, christmas is the best time of the year for me, it reminds me of my grandma in australia. I remember the first time I flew there to see her, meeting her (after so long, so the first real memory of her)I suddenly felt purpose, I had so many charactreristics in my personality that had come from her. We were connected, so connected that in a few years when sadly she passed away she appeared to me, in a dream or in person i dont care, and said goodbye, and i burst into tears, ran into my parents room and told them she was dead, 10 minutes later we got a phone call from Australia confirming it.
Anyway in the same year I was reconnected with her we flew back again to spend christmas there and she hated christmas, but we hung a tiny tree from her light and she smiled. It was like we bought the meaning of christmas to her, sharing it with your family having fun and giving thanks for them. Ever since then I have always loved Christmas and enjoyed it so much, its about family and giving. I guess I dont care too much about present receiving, but I spend an age planning what to get them, i put so much thought into it and dont expect much back. This year it felt like something was missing.

I guess all I want for the next year is to feel appreciated. Hearing or reading the words "I love you" mean so much more when you havent said them first. Having someone reach out to you more often rather than you reaching out the most. Getting messages on facebook profile letting you know your being thought about, or seeing it in their status or profile picture or blog, just one of them, even without mentioning me but mentioning how happy you are with a present. Even sending a present to me, fuck i dont care what it is, a card, a letter, from anyone! I see myself as very understanding and I try to pride myself on being understanding, but wheres the line where your being walked all over and being mugged off? I guess I just want to feel like im not a third or fourth choice, that im important, that I belong.


Damn this is frigging depressing and thats why the title is what it is, I just want to get whats in my head out and I have because its eating away and i cant say it because its not fair to say it and im a prick for writing it, but i had to.