Do not read unless you want to see the emo side of me and feel depressed.

I strongly want to say that this is not the best thing to read over christmas, this is a time for happiness and joy, and i loved my christmas this year, the food and company was amazing! However its boxing day and theres things i have to type because otherwise i think what if, and id rather regret something I have done then something I have failed to do.

It's official, this sucks. I just can't plan, and don't get me wrong, I love spontaneous acts, times when you go out with no plan and let it happen, but this is my life.

I don't think anyone can truly understand what I feel, its odd, i 100% understand everything yet I still feel hurt and stuff. Its a situation where its logical but at times it feels like I no longer matter and I cant say it because saying it through a text or message on facebook leads it to be read in a different way and it backfires.

I really think the realisation is that after 5 months since seeing her., and spending 8 days together in the last 12 months its likely going to be a very short time spent together again, and probably not even for my birthday. I feel guilty for feeling disappointed. You see I tend to not care about my birthday, its just another day, but what I want is her there for my birthday, in my mind I flew there for hers and just for that and I want the same if that makes sense. I know we cant control out health and stuff like that, and how american politics through health demand them to be super cautious and over protective because there paying for that shit so doctors demand catch up appointments just so they can rape your cheque book again, whereas with our healthcare being free doctors go, woops theres your tonsils gone, go eat crisps and toast and stop being a pussy. Its a different world and I have to accept that.

The other thing is, christmas is the best time of the year for me, it reminds me of my grandma in australia. I remember the first time I flew there to see her, meeting her (after so long, so the first real memory of her)I suddenly felt purpose, I had so many charactreristics in my personality that had come from her. We were connected, so connected that in a few years when sadly she passed away she appeared to me, in a dream or in person i dont care, and said goodbye, and i burst into tears, ran into my parents room and told them she was dead, 10 minutes later we got a phone call from Australia confirming it.
Anyway in the same year I was reconnected with her we flew back again to spend christmas there and she hated christmas, but we hung a tiny tree from her light and she smiled. It was like we bought the meaning of christmas to her, sharing it with your family having fun and giving thanks for them. Ever since then I have always loved Christmas and enjoyed it so much, its about family and giving. I guess I dont care too much about present receiving, but I spend an age planning what to get them, i put so much thought into it and dont expect much back. This year it felt like something was missing.

I guess all I want for the next year is to feel appreciated. Hearing or reading the words "I love you" mean so much more when you havent said them first. Having someone reach out to you more often rather than you reaching out the most. Getting messages on facebook profile letting you know your being thought about, or seeing it in their status or profile picture or blog, just one of them, even without mentioning me but mentioning how happy you are with a present. Even sending a present to me, fuck i dont care what it is, a card, a letter, from anyone! I see myself as very understanding and I try to pride myself on being understanding, but wheres the line where your being walked all over and being mugged off? I guess I just want to feel like im not a third or fourth choice, that im important, that I belong.


Damn this is frigging depressing and thats why the title is what it is, I just want to get whats in my head out and I have because its eating away and i cant say it because its not fair to say it and im a prick for writing it, but i had to.