It feels like everything is almost normal, but at the same time it isn't, it's so far from it. It's like it is there, but it's not. I guess I am just confused, one minute I am so so happy, the next.... empty I guess. I don't even have a clue what is going on with my emotions, it's like I have been possessed by all the Mr Men charaters at once and they are fighting over who can control me at any given moment.
The thing is, I'm happy, I am.... and I guess things work in strange ways. Just yesterday the legend that is Gary Speed, Wales most capped outfield footballer, and current manager of the National squad, died, in what is suspected as suicide from depression. It's scary, a guy who to everyone on the outside seemed so happy, apparently wasn't.... that is fucked up. Not just, a little fucked, massively. To him, his goals were play for his country, and than manage them, have a wife he loves, and children. Be financially secure, and be happy. It seemed like he did have it all, but clearly something wasn't quite right, and that is scary.
Why do we opearte we do? Why can some people deal with things others cant? How can some people be scared of something others love? I guess we are all unique, we all operate differently at every moment. We all can react to certain things better. Is it experience? Is it in our own predetermined natures? I don't know but it is what makes us who we are. This is a pretty frigging deep post, and that's odd. Inside I am happy, outside I am happy, but deep deep down, I am scared. Scared of a lot, the thing is I'm the kind of guy that likes to know what is going to happen. I look at certain things, alcohol could cause liver failure, smoking could cause cancer, speeding could cause a crash. These things can, to some extent, be predicted. Unfortunately scary stuff like natural disasters, electrocution from your own house, random heart attachs, cannot!! These just happen and that is scary. At the same time you also can't control other people's thoughts and feelings, or even ever truly know and understand them. That is because we are unique, and at the end of the day if you, in your life time, are lucky enough to find someone that gets you, that cares for you, that sees the real you, than damn those are some uncotrolable odds you just overcame.
DOes any of what I have written make sense? Is there a purpose or hidden meaning to it? No I've been up front about it all, I just needed to type down what is going on for me. You see here is the thing, I am fucking awesome. I have people that care for me, look out for me, and what to see me achieve my potential.
I am frigging lucky, for the reasons above, and soo many more. I am blessed, damn in 2011 how many people's parents are still together, would support them no matter what?
I am me, and fuck any of you who ever say that's not enough, it is, simply because I am happy and I'm not screwing anyone over to make sure of that, in fact, quite often I don't give a shit about my immediate feelings if they will make someone else happy in the meantime, because if I am making that sacrifice to make them happy, than their happiness matters a hell of a lot to me, and that means, in the long run I will be happy because I made the right decision.
See there's those frigging Mr men characters coming out again, but hey, it shows Im human, I am normal. I feel emotions. If you cut me I frigging bleed, if you hurt me, sure Im gonna cry. If you tell me you love me and you mean it, I'm gonna be on cloud 9. In fact higher, I don't know where cloud 9 is but screw it, I'm on a higher cloud because whilst self love is important, nothing can compete with the love from someone else. To some extent you have to love yourself otherwise who would love you?
This post has been like a psychodelic trip through my thoughts. As you will see they aren't structured, I like going off on tangents, taking detours. It makes my life interesting and it makes me happy. Make others happy, and you will be happy, if we don't have happiness, what do we have?
"Some things are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."
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