Nosocomephobia

So it turns out I suck at remembering password and email addresses for accounts, I failed again so its taken me a few days to work it out again.

Anyway this has been a week full of emotions. There was a lot going on, both on a personal level, a health level, and a social level.

I know I have spent ages talking about my girl in San Francisco and how much I love her, the biggest issue is, of course, being so far away, and this week has been very tough. It isn't something I want to go in to here or anywhere, it's something I've worked through and I can't wait for her to be in Europe. With any relationship there's going to be misunderstandings, arguments and the like, but as long as throughout it all there is love that is all that matters. It's strange, I never really know if I believed in love, destiny, one person etc. I know for a fact I am in love now. It's truly impossible to explain it, to put it one way, I don't have desires for anyone else, I don't want anyone else. Her being happy makes me over the moon, imagining that smile that lights up the room, its just magical. In a really lame way whenever I look through photos of her, or the one I have in my room of us it puts a huge smile on my face and tears of joy in my eyes. Of course when you love someone, those tears can be tears of sadness, namely the ones that flooded my face whenever I have to say bye to fly away, other ones are when I've said something wrong, or I know she isn't happy and I'm to an extent responsible. I realise I'm kind of talking in code here, and to be frank that's how I want it to be. At the end of the day I realise that since being with her my love for myself has grown and my need for people to like me isn't as important, it's all about me making sure I love me and am proud of how I behave. I'm not 100% there yet but I am getting there and I can honestly say I love myself more now than I have in a long long time. I don't really care if people read what I write, I write it for me, to release what is on my mind rather than bottle it up, and now I have saved my log in details I will be writing more.

Ok so that section is dealt with, now health.

Recently it's been strange, I don;t do being ill, I am terrified of hospitals ever since a child. It's really weird because my fear actually stemmed from visiting a close relative when I was very young, and I was running/ dancing around the hospital singing "you're nearly dead, you're nearly dead". Turns out the relative did die and I guess subconsciously it scares me. People go to hospitals to be made healthy but there is so much pain and sadness in the hospital that I try to stay away. I guess to explain it more lets go through my experiences.

Aged 5 I was picking up some books off the classroom time at tidy up time when the smallest girl ever in her plimsoles stepped trod on my little finger and snapped it. I had to go unconscious and have metal put in there. Now my finger bends like mad and it's going to be ruined for life.

About 9 years ago I was riding my bike back from tennis practice when I turned and got thrown off my bike. I didn't have my helmet on, purely because I am an moron. Luckily the helmet followed me off the handlebars and landed perfectly under my head. My arm took an almighty crack and the lovely bus driver that also collided with me made a point of telling me to get out the fucking road. My mate ran to a door and got them to call my mum to come and get me. My bike was fucked, I was in pain but the hospital was not an option. I refused to go to the hospital insisting I was fine and it was a bruise. 6 weeks later, still in pain, i caved in. We went to the hospital and it turned out, as expected, my arm had broken and had regrown the wrong way. That meant them snapping my arm back into place, broken twice in 2 months.

About 2 years ago I was playing football at uni, running up the wing when i went over on my ankle. I immediately felt pain and hobbled off. It was my clutch foot but being a moron, as always, I jumped in the car and drove home. 10 hours later, with my foot now a distinct black I called my mate and got him to go to the hospital with me. Whilst sitting in the waiting room I walked out to get a cab, dragged back in by reception I sat back down, she took my shoe and sock off to look at it, and whilst engaged in conversation I walked out of the hospital and got in to a cab, dragged back in I was finally seen, and shocker, my ankle was broken.

You see, the thing is, I am stupid when it comes to hospitals. On the bike my helmet had flown off to stop my head, as if someone was protecting me. Well on thursday this week I turned the bathroom light off, positive my hands were dry. All of a sudden I felt this pain like never before, shoot across my right arm, through my chest and threw my left arm unto the air. I let out a very loud but masculine (I know I thought it would be like a girl) scream. Well the electrician has been around this weekend and it turns out I had 230volts of electricity run across my heart. An amount that would stop 90% of people hearts and kill them, but here I was, surviving it without a scratch. Hmm what the hell does that have to do with hospitals, I dunno haha but hey whatever Im just the typer,my brain doesnt function logical so shh just read and try and enjoy learning about my crazy life.


Ok so on Friday I decided to go to the fox poker club to play. I sat down at 1/1 because Im not thrilled with my live poker, within 2 hours I was close to 4 buyins in (£400) and genuinely hadn;t played badly. Normal Kieran would of just thrown away the rest of the money and got home early. Instead I put my headphones in and focused. Good old deadmau5 calming me down with his sexualy penetrating beats. Feeling focused I looked down in the Big Blind at 3-3. It got raised to £12 (standard with these players) and 6 people called, meaning I had to. THe flop came down 10-3-4 with 2 spades, I didn't have a spade. I had about £80 and miscalculated the pot, only betting £25. Instantly it was raised to £75, everybody folded and I put in the rest. Turn 6 spades, river q spades. FUCK damn flush damn damn damn damn damn...... K-10 he said, turing over no spade!!!! Wow back in the game. THey announced a poker tournament was starting and I almost went to it, avoiding it I carried on playing and went on a rush, walking out eventually quite a bit up. I was just really happy that I focused and didn't get emotionally effected by the cards. I think it stems all the way back to the earlier point in this post, because I am happier with who I am, and it keeps me grounded, at the same time I am appreciating somehow still being alive.

I guess it has been a week of realisation, it's time to be appreciating every moment in every day, being thankful for being in love, and having someone who loves me, not counting down the days till she comes. It is something to look forward to but life is short, we can go at any minute from something as random as an electric shock in your own house, so why wish any time away, just appreciate the time you have with people you know, make sure when you are with someone somewhere you are listening to them and showing you are glad your with them. It doesn;t need to be said, but it needs to be felt, so put your frigging mobile away, text people your not with, but not the whole time, nobody likes sitting talking about something important while the person your talking to is on their phone, it's not nice, so yeah just be respectful and love yourself.