Fear

It has been a while, and that's mainly because I haven't really wanted to write anything, I've kind of lost inspiration but I guess now things are slightly different.

Fear is the tilte of this post, and as always someone before me has put into words my feeling better than I could ever.

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

Marcus Aurelius

 

I guess this quote is pretty bang on as the fear I have right now is an external one. To provide a bit of a recap back in March I hurt my knee playing football, 3 months later, after what I considered a reasonable rest (and following on from the Hospital telling me I was fine) I attempted to play football, and unsurprisingly my knee buckled again. I guess the best way to demonstrate the damage is through the pictures taken over the 3 days following the injury - look away now!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So yeah, not great. Fast forward to now and I have had an MRI scan, still in pain, although it is now intermittent which is better, and I got the call from the Doctors. "Mr Scully, the Dr would like you to come in for your results as soon as possible". Great, those final 4 words that we shorten to ASAP change the tone, it makes a person read into it and the fear and panic arrose. Unfortunately the first available appointment is Thursday at 11:10am so it's booked.

 

Before this confirmation I'd been brave, joking around saying things around how I just want a frigging operation so it is sorted. The issue is I love sport and it has been so hard the last few months not being able to do any, it pains me. We have had one of the best summers, despite what many believe, in a long time and there is nothing I would rather have done then to get a couple of beers and have a kick around in the park, diving around like I'm a child again. It has been so painful not being able to do that and I guess that is the biggest pain I have felt. As per usual I have kept it all inside but the inability to partake in running around and having fun has been soul destroying and just hurts so much.

 

Now, with the results in, the reality has hit. I'm now 99.9% sure I need an operation but the level of damage to my knee is unknown to be and all I can do right now is have my mind playing out scenario after scenario and none of them are good. What makes it worse is that I have to wait, for 2 more flipping days!

 

So let's lay the scenarios out, and yes some of them are stupid!

1) I need to have it amputated - ok highly unlikely, less then a million to 1 chance but hey who knows, the nerve damage could be so bad that it could spread and damage my lower half of my body.

2) I need keyhole surgery - the most likely scenario but dear god am i terrified about undergoing surgery. Yes I know it isn't that bad but there can be complications and I am scared of it all, what if I wake up during the op, added to that I won't be able to do sport for a further 6 months whilst it heals which is just ridiculous.

3) More in depth surgery. Ok I think this is pretty likely, I know something isn't right with it and I just don't think it is a simple fix. My biggest fear is that the surgery ends my participation in sport full stop. I can't even put into words how hard that would be for me and how much it would crush me. I want to have a son an be in charge of his football/ softball/ whatever sport team. I want to be able to play football with him, have fun, run around, enjoy him growing up and if the operation ended any chance of that then wow I would be destroyed.

4) There is nothing wrong - I feel I can safely say there is no chance of this, I know my own body.

 

So there it is, the most likely scenarios see me without sport for a period of time from 6 months to forever and that scares me, and right now I just can't stop thinking SHIT what will I do. I am terrified and has all just got real. This is no longer something I can laugh about, it is something that scares me and will be playing on my mind until Thursday. Yes I now I can't do anything about it but that doesn't mean anything to me right now. It is going to be on my mind and that is that.

 

The question is do I prepare myself for the worse news?

How do I conquer this fear of something that I can't  control?

How do I surpass my estimate of this fear to be able to get past it?

How do I get through this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

Day's Three and Four (Actually Just Day 3)

Woops, missed a day but I guess I can be forgiven due to being on holiday etc. So day 3... wow I need to retrack my memory to work out what I did, this trip is blending in to one whole day.

Ah, Ok so Day 3 was beach day. Keith managed to break the strap on his trusted Flip Flops so wanted to invest in some new ones. That meant a stroll through Silemma, through St Julians, up through PaceVille and to the shops. Walking in malta is a pleasure, sure it is hot but the sea views on the route are magical and the breeze refreshes you. The walk probably took the best part of an hour but it was good fun. So we get to the shop and I instinct buy some flip flops too, time to get the old feet tanned. Really good quality flip flops for 25 euro - bargain!! After "shopping" if I can call it that, we walked to the beach. As mentioned there is a festival in Malta at the moment so it was public holiday which ultimately meant that we would be going to a crowded beach. Upon arriving I was parched so we stopped in this nice little bar for a pint. The beach was super packed and the end with the fitties was vacant of space which meant we ended up near the families - no biggy.

The view even at the beach was awesome!

So after a good few hours lying around I walked into the sea, soooooooo refreshing, as it got deeper I swam a little and was in for a big shock when I put my foot down. Whilst it was still shallow, there was no longer sand underneath my feet and instead I managed to slam my right foot into a rock, a sharp one at that, great a cut foot, that is perfect for Flip Flops.......

We stayed there for a while and then headed back, planning to walk. On the walk we stopped in my old haunt, the Dubliners - if you ever go to Malta you have to go there, the staff are incredible, sure the drinks are a little pricier but it is awesome! After a drink we decided to hop on a bus back, that way it was a 10 minute journey. Now buses I remember in Malta are death traps, yellow metal on wheels with no door. They pack the buses like mad and have this annoying voice that says "Please move down" when it is clearly impossible to do so, and getting off the bus if you are at the back is not possible, you need to plan your exit about 4 stops before you get off. Added to that there were no bells, instead just a cord running across the side that you would pull and it would ring a minuscule bell next to the driver. Prepared for this we boarded and boy was I in for a shock. Now the buses are bigger, a different colour, and have bells - this isn't Malta!

Anyway we got back and decided to relax before our night out in Paceville or PV as it is known. There was a bit of miscommunication on what to eat between Keith and I so in the end it got to 10:30 and we hopped on the bus in with no food, woops!

PV had not changed! We started off in Hugos lounge, one of the few places you can take a seat close to midnight and Keith slammed his Magners down pretty darn quick. 3 drinks each later, and 40 minutes we moved on. This time to a place I'd never been and can't even remember its name however the antics in there will live forever. Within about 2 minutes the DJ played YMCA, Follow The Leader, We Will Rock You, Macarena and Mama Mia! What the hell???? Whilst it was enjoyable I'd had enough and we made a quick exit and moved to the next place. This time it was somewhere I had been before but a name I've forgotten. This was a bit more casual but now I had swapped my drink for the third time, onto Vodka Cranberry! YUMMMMMM.
It was a good laugh in there and provided me with a few stories I'm going to keep on the DL but let's say it was great to be back and I was on form :)

After we headed to Nordic Bar, another old haunt, to meet a few of my old mates. I saw Ian, had a quick drink and found out now their is an upstairs in Nordic Bar! Epic, up we go. Hmmmm let's just say it was a lot.... smaller than I imagined. I got talking to a lot of people and felt bad because Keith was little isolated but reassured me he was cool. I told a Swedish she was not swedish and then asked a Swedish guy if he thought she was, he was adamant that she was not so when I revealed she was he felt like a moron LOL! Unfortunately they got talking and she decided to tell him she wasn't which made him have a banter go at me and give me a friendly, but firm tap on my cheek for making him look like a fool. OH NO SHE DIDN'T! Determined to rectify this I forced her to admit to him she was at which point he looked at me and said "free slap back, hit me". I made sure this one time counted :)

Eventually we got a cab back and crashed at around 5am, felt like it was still 10pm... woops. Oh here are some pics of the night! Not sure if the vid will work!

Hmm poor quality, woops. Ok I can;t be bothered to write day 4 up as this was quite a long one, but I'll post it soon!

The Rock - Day Two

So as expected yesterday was another drinking fueled day. After having a cool beer at Keith's whilst he finished off some work we took a wonder down to Fortina Hotel and Spa - that's right a Spa day ;)

Fortina Hotel is literally 2 minutes from Keiths but the difference in view is astronomical. They have a great set up with 3 pools (1 for children, a slightly deeper one next to it and the main pool). This all overlooks Valetta which is full of old buildings making for an incredible view from your sunlounger. Keith had told me that it is 12 Euro for theday or 6 Euro after 1:30 - we went at 1:45 and the swines had changed the time to 3:30 which meant we paid 12. Keith owed me 55 euro from the night before so this time it was on him. Whilst the beer was a little more expensive it was still less than £3 for a Stella. Fantastic!

We chilled by the pool for a while with Keith dipping in. I have a bit of an issue about my back, ever since I got burnt at 14 it has become very sensitive which means that in the summer it flares up with spots looking like the moons craters or a volcanic eruption - not the best. With that in mind I decided to keep my shirt on, that soon changed and I took a dip in the pool briefly which was refreshing.
Here's the view!

 

Unfortunately, despite lathering myself in sun lotion my stomach is now a lot redder than normal - sigh!

After Fortina we left for a walk back to Keiths to change. At 8ish we headed down to Surfside to chill on the cushions and watch the football! It's a shame it was dark as the picture from the night doesn't really show the view. To give you an idea the bar is right on the sea/ beach so I had a projector in front of me, and to my left the ocean! Not bad. 

Now in Malta the locals either claim to be English or Italian - or both. This meant that after Italy's surprise victory we knew what we were in for. On the walk back to Keiths the roads were almost at a standstill with people leaning out the windows, sitting in the open boot waving their flags. Its pretty cool but very OTT.

Keith was a little tired so we posponed the night out and stopped for a tasty chicken plate which was super healthy and tasty. When we got back I stayed up to watch some poker on my laptop and Keith hit the sack. I ended up staying up until 3am ish and went to bed myself - hardcore haha.

THis morning sees the start of a festival in Malta. A great ceremony with fantastic decorations on the street - it also means that at 7:30 am they were setting off fireworks essentially outside my bedroom window. Great wake up call - and they don't show anything just smoke because it is day time!!! They were the loudest fireworks ever it felt like someone was on a gun rampage outside, ah well leave them be - probably the same people beeping their horns celebrating Italy's win yesterday that are now Maltese again ;).

The plan today is to head to the beach and chill there - less alcohol in the day for Keith so that he can be awake for a night out and I will aim to drink more water but will likely have a couple of beers on the beach front! Not a bad life right now at all Also due to the heat etc I've seen myself lose some weight here - also the fact that the food is pretty healthy in the way it is cooked and the copious amounts of salad served with it!

I'll keep you all posted!

 

A journey to the rock

So it's nearly July and my last post was back in May, wow that is poor. To be honest nothing major has happened recently,nothing blog worthy anyway. Unfortunately my knee is still really bad which is frustrating but ho hum it'll fix and if not here's to the operation.

I kind of made a promise to myself to write about my current trip as it will serve me well to look over in the future. I am in Malta at the moment in glorious sunshine and absolutely loving it. Some of the loner term readers may remember that I was living here and working for 3 months 2 years ago and I made a snap decision that I wanted to visit again especially during the Euros as the Maltese are passionate about football.

So Wednesday I woke up at 3:30 am to get ready for my 4:15 am cab to take me to Luton airport. Everything was packed and I was good to go. Cab arrived on time and after realising our M1 junction was closed for roadworks (WTF) we took a detour through Watford, always good to have loads of time in hand as it made the journey relaxing. I got to the airport at 4:45 and went straight to check in. It was pretty funny seeing the two people in front of me get to the desk and get told their bags were overweight... noobs. I had no such worry and was checked in within 30 seconds of approaching the desk - ship it Ryan Air. Interestingly as my flight was not until 6:40 Luton have a new policy where you go back outside and in through the arrivals to go through security. Again pretty damn smooth, apart from having my phone swobbed - not sure how to react to that, they clearly think either I look dodgy or I look like a genius that can bombify my phone, either way no biggy.

Unfortunately going through the arrivals means that you are entering at departure gate 1 which whilst it was the one I'd be leaving from, has very little to offer. I took the long walk to gate 26 to get my breakfast. £10 for a beer and full english (2 has browns, 2 bacon, 2 sausage, 2 eggs, tomato and mushroom... the last two were left on the plate.) Bit odd to be having a beer at 5 am but was kind of fun. My baseball team SF Giants were playing our rivals the Dodgers so I managed to get that up on my phone and chill out. At about 6:15 casual walk to the gate and was thankful I had paid the extra £10 to reserve a seat - meant priority boarding so whilst all the cheapskates were in a 100 deep queue I got to walk straight on. After a seat change due to an obscenely obese woman sitting in row 1 and therefore not being fit enough to help open the emergency exit I ended up with even more leg room. It;s a little uncomfortable having 2 attractive air hostesses sitting opposite you when you take off but I did what all men should do and flirted my way to a number. No intention of calling, it was more an ego/ confidence booster to get the week started.

Malta airport are super quick and I was off the plane, collected my bag and in my pre booked cab 10 minutes before my plane was scheduled to land. Cabbie was cool and dropped me off at my mate Keiths. Keith is a legend for letting me stay at his and it is an amazing apartment. First thing I realised is how hot Malta is again... woops. Keith had some work to do so I sat in the sun looking at the view and playing a bit of online super low stakes poker (prop bet with a mate where I have to turn 0 into a decent amount which I won't name within 6 months). Poker session went well as I span the $5 up into 50. Keith finished working so off to the bars.

We went to an awesome bar with really nice cold beer. 6 hours later and a meal finally eaten we discussed where to watch the football. By this point I'm a little tipsy and tired and paid the bill. (6 hours, a lot of beer and two lovely burgers for 50 euro between us... awesome!!) Unfortunately we had no change for a tip so I turned to the girls behind to ask for change Obviously we could of got change from the waitress but this was an easy opener. The girls turned out to be Samantha - a recruiter out here, and Mimi - a Swedish girl who she was prepping for interview over a bottle of wine! They were lovely and we persuaded them to come to the football at a bar later. We shot home to shower, I wanted a nap but Keith refused to allow me to, and we headed out to the bar.

The bar was a regular haunt for me before and after being forced to drink a Cisk the time was hitting me. Sam sent a text saying she wasn't coming and to be honest I was glad, far too tired to go anywhere after the game, and to be honest the game sucked a bit. So at half time we took the 2 minute walk back to Keiths to watch the end. Within 5 minutes he was asleep so I stayed up watching the game before hitting the sack. Great first day.

Today I woke up at 9 after a good 8 hour sleep and feel refreshed. Keith had some work to do so I played a bit more poker (up to 100 now... boom) and wrote this.

Plan today was to go to a 5* hotel to chill at their 2 pools with amazing view - 12 euro to get in for the full day. It's now 12:30 so we are just doing the PM session for 6 euro and Keith is making me a bacon sandwich. I can't really complain. I think after the pool we will shower etc and head to ether a football club or Spinola bay to watch the game - should be a good one but a comfortable 3-1 victory for Germany with Ozil getting a goal that he deserves. I imagine we will hit PV (clubbing zone) tonight and it will be a late one. I have a fair few mates in Malta that will join us so it will be a fun day.

Here's to enjoying this week!

Best Friend OR Worst Enemy

It's been a while since I have blogged and everything is going pretty well. I had a bit of a shock recently when I weighed myself, it turned out I had lost weight without realising, which is obviously great, but a little odd. I think a lot of it comes down to taking gluten out of the diet and being conscious of the amount of carbonated drinks I consume - this body is my only one, let's not destroy it.

So my knee has made developments, it is pretty damaged and the ligaments are not impressed with me. After it happened I purchased a new walking sticks, I'm so lame that I got a replica of Hugh Laurie's in House in the hope it would make me look AWESOME. In my opinion it did. The problem is that despite 3 people making spontaneous references to it, the only compliments I was getting were from the elderly ladies. They would ask me where I got my stick for and compliment me on it whilst I looked at theirs in disgust, I mean come on if you have to use a stick then surely get an epic one not some massive looped one that makes you look.... well elderly haha.

In all seriousness I have come on recovering ahead of my expectations. I am under no illusions that I am out of sport (baseball and football :(   ) for the next 3 months but I am free from my stick and this week started driving again. It is mental how much you miss not having full use, walking down stairs is super wobbly as the ligament that suffered the worst damage is the one that keeps our balance.... uh oh.

Being able to drive again is awesome. I really appreciated my lifts too and from work but unfortunately if your lift is late it makes you late and that ultimately pisses me right off as the one thing I hate is being late.

With regards to my love life, a lot of people have been asking. It's kind of a weird situation. It took me a while to feel ready to go out into the world as a single guy again, and I never go out looking to pull, that's just not me. Now that I was feeling better about socialising and my social life had come back to being great, my knee decided to go on vacation so, for the next few weeks at least, there will be no updates on the love life. I'm also in a weird spot regarding all of that. As regular readers would know my goal is to get back to America to stay permanently, and my timeline means this should be soon so I kind of don't want to date anyone here. I'm worried that what if I find someone I really care about and ultimately I end up staying here, would I end up resenting them for preventing me from achieving my dream?

Ah well - at least I have friends around, with regular poker happening with the lads again, my body and eating health wise improving (more on that in 3 months) and my mood being better than for a while life is looking goood!!!!

Catch up with you all soon and don't be afraid to comment :) Seeing how many views I get is such a boost for morale and thank you for that!

Memory or Delusion

I'm writing this blog post lying on bed with my left leg elevated by a folded pillow and 2 cushions, mellowed by pain killers yet feeling a constant throb threw the bandage.

Have you ever recalled something, a memory you can see as clear as day, and lived by it to some extent, or in some cases hindered your living by it, only to discover that things aren't quite how you remember?
As mentioned in earlier posts I have a phobia of hospitals - I found out recently that this is completely self inflicted. You see my memory of running around a hospital where my great aunt lay singing your nearly dead didn't quite happen like that. Sure enough I was visiting my Great Aunt, and yes, she was close to ending her journey, but she wasn't in a hospital, in fact she was in the old dears accommodation, a nursing home, a retirement home, the old folks inn. And yes, I did run around screaming your nearly dead, but it wasn't directly to her or the other people who were close to a surcease on their lives, instead it was in a quad outside. Sure their windows were all open and they definitely would have heard the cruelty, of a young child, filled with life, at the start of the journey, whilst they were coming to an end of theirs, a somewhat antagonistic situation for them, but I'd like to think that inside of them, they were smiling. (why is it when people get to a certain age where the pearly gates are in front of them, their face muscles have relaxed to an extent where they could be mistaken as Stalter and Waldorf from the Muppet's, or for the non Muppet fans, Fabio Cappello -that any attempt as an external smile looks more like they are in the process of breaking wind?)

Anyway, what does all that mean? It means I'm scared of hospitals because I created a memory in a parallel dimension, a different place, the fear is self caused and thus very difficult to work out the direct resolution, as surely people get over the fear by putting them in the situation that first caused the fear. In order to combat this fear I need to visit an old peoples home and have an enjoyable experience where I leave happy (please no pervy comments) and then remember it as having taken place in a hospital. You may see my dilemma, first of all, as sure as I am that according to the telly old people love random youngsters (oi I'm 24 that's still young in comparison) paying them a visit, I do live in London. London is a place where if a 24 year old male walks in to an old people's home, eyebrows will be raised and I am sure as hell to fall victim to an interrogation experienced by few. Security will be called by reception, and it's a pretty awkward conversation that would lie ahead, in fact let's play it out.

ME: Hi there,
Receptionists (from now on referred to as R and Security as S to save energy): Hi, who are you hear to see?
ME: Um nobody in particular
R: Sorry? Do you have a relative here?
ME: No, I just wanted to pop in and have a good time.
R: You wanted to have a good time in a old people's home?
ME: Yeah, pretty hard to explain.
R: Hold on one second (Security arrive, to security) This young man has come in but he isn't visiting anyone in particular.
S: Sir why are you here?
ME: Well, I had a bad memory of something happening in a hospital, but it actually happened in an old people's home, and in order to overcome the irrational fear that arrived, I wanted to come along and have a more enjoyable experience.
S: You had a bad memory that you thought happened in a hospital. Sir did somebody touch you and now you want to touch them?
ME: wooooah hold on sheriff not like that you sick perv, last time I was in one of these joints I was singing your nearly dead, and I want to remedy this.

And so on - not a conversation I want to rush.

So how does this all tie in to my current situation? Well playing football today I was using my blistering pace (OK it was a light jog) down the wing, skilled one guy (kicked the ball too far and slid to win it back) before doing a step over with my right leg (that was surprisingly meant) and went to flick it with my left. As i caught the ball with my left and the left leg returned to ground an almighty click/ knock occurred and a pain rocketed through my knee sending me in to a masculine scream. It turns out the click was heard by the person in the goal 30+metres away (although I may exaggerate this to be 100m at a later date, possibly even a mile for effect- he was the furthest away who knows how far it could be heard). I lay on the floor, something that is a regular occurrence in our games, but usually due to a small knock and me seeing it as the optimum time to catch my breath, only this time the pain didn't go, in fact it got worse. I've broken bones before, been electrocuted, twisted ankles, been punched, hit by a car, none of them compare to the pain I am currently feeling.

Here's the issue - I can't go to the hospital because I haven't conquered my fear and I can't now because if I walk in with a walking stick it will look like I am ridiculing the old people, and lead to another bad memory. So instead I lie here in pain, googling the symptoms and can 100% say that this is a life threatening injury and the end of my days..... fine fine, I'm sure it's ligament injury, and judging by the diagram and symptoms available at BUPA online (other medical online places are available but they are ranked number one on google so either they are shit hot or they have a guru at SEO (search engine optimisation - a techy thing), either way they are the ones I'm using) and it appears like it is the lateral collateral ligament. My options are these:
1) As some people have put it - Man the F Up and let it heal itself
2) Man the F Up and go to the hospital (even if I man the f up they aren't going to be able to treat it I'd have to wait for hours to see them to be told that I need an appointment)
3) Go to the Doctors
4) Go to a physio

I like option 4, sure it costs but they are cool. I happen to know an Arsenal Physio and due to the Jack Wilshire situation, I may go in with a torn ligament and eventually it will be claimed to be a burst vein or something 100 times worse that prevents me from ever being fit again, but that's a risk I will take and I am sorry to all my fans of my football but it may mean never being back to play hahaha

Anyway this blog took you on a journey, one of adventure I'd like to think.

A quote from Soren Kierkegaard repeated by Micky Flanagan "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." This quote pretty much means, as Micky put, we are unable to process the experiences we have in the moment, we can never be in the moment, instead it can only be processed in a memory, and my input - make sure the memories are real ones so you don't screw yourself up like I have :)

Stress? Zen? Candles?

Wow things are kind of manic at the moment, a little prediction for how this blog will pan out is, as per usual, a strange Titile, an interesting attention grabbing start, possibly a plan, and a failure to follow that plan. I guess this will be another journey through my thoughts as I type and at times some of you will get lost and give up, others will perserve, but ultimately all of you will more than likely finish disappointed and unfulfilled.

Ok so it's kind of odd - recenlty health has been a little off and its annoying, issues are that I have had brutal pains in my back recently and that is slowly getting better. Add to that the fact that I woke up on thursday with a pain in my jaw to realise I'd dislocated it from grinding, so I guess from stress. Anyway the plan is to get that all sorted. First off, on Dr's orders Gluten has vanished from my diet. I know this is going to be blooming hard and it will take a lot of will power to say bye to normal bread and pasta, saying bye to kebabs pizzas and chips is fine and I think I'll cope easily there, however saying bye to sausages, noooo :( The thing is in the few days I have been doing it I have felt a difference.I feel a lot more energetic, a lot less bloated and a lot happier. I actually bought a normal sandwich on Tuesday and took one bite and felt bloated so threw it away. Yes I failed quick but I moved on away from it immediately. My Gluten free package has arrived so I am going to be creative in the kitchen this weekend to see what I can do - I am so cool I bet you are all jealous.

Onto the stress. It is weird to have someone tell you that you are stressed and when you go to argue with them you stop and think about it and realise, damn I am stressed haha. I guess it is a whole load of reasons. At work I am the only Permanent Recruitment Consultant which makes things pretty tough as I have to follow up all Business Leads, fill all my roles and manage the processes. I kind of think I have tried so hard to do everything at once that I am spreading myslf too thin and ending up working until 7pm in the office and 10pm at home. Add to that the issue that myself and my colleauge work late once a week to target American companies and all of a sudden I am doing 70 hour weeks.

Other causes of stress are Ex friends, one in particular has been a bit silly for a while and I won't go in to the ins and outs but instead of moving on after something he has acted like a child and apparently made stupid claims which I;ve realised I can no longer be bothered with. It culminanted in me having to not go out with the group of friends for a mates birthday, but instead we went out the next day and it was an amazing night.

I've also decided to incorporate a bit of Zen into my life, just some of the mind relaxation methods and at the same time am thinking of taking it easy this weekend, weather permitted relaxing in the sun or sitting in my room with chilled out music and my eyes close for a while just to relax and take it slow. Like I said I am so cool with my cooking and meditating.

In terms of everything else family are amazing and I went to a beautiful wedding. It's odd because I'd kind of taken a step back thinking that I don't want to get married but being part of two amazing people's special day made me realise that who knows what lies ahead, I'm not adversed to marriage if I meet the right person. They walked down the aisle to "A whole new world" played on a harp which was pretty damn magical. It was good because I spent the weekend with the family before travelling down to watch Arsenal beat Man City.

The other great thing at the moment is I am getting my social life back, I am trying to leave work at a good time and have plans to go and see people in evenings as they let me stop thinking about work and relax. I am so happy to have certain people there for me.

Hm this blog has been odd - No more gluten, no more stress, more zen, more relaxing, more social life should lead to a happier me. Here's hoping!